


Ready to Die

by The_Jashinist



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/M, Gender Issues, Gender or Sex Swap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-02-08 07:41:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1932456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Jashinist/pseuds/The_Jashinist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small difference in just one little gene can determine a person's gender, and it just so happens that a shinobi has figured out how to change that gene. Unfortunately for Akatsuki members Deidara and Hidan are his first test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"What the fuck just happened?" Hidan stumbled, blowing strands of silver hair from her face.

"We got caught in a fucking jutsu," Deidara got up the cliff-side first, "this is what we get for trusting that snake, hm."

"WHAT HAPPENED YOU GAY PRISS?" Hidan screamed.

"Well seeing as I now have a waist and hips, as well as a rack," Deidara paused, "guess."

"Tell me what fucking happened," Hidan growled.

"We got turned into girls," Deidara said bluntly, "and since you are clearly PMSing, I think the effects are permanent, hm."

"WHAT?" Hidan slid off a rock, "HOW ARE YOU SO NIMBLE YOU LITTLE SHIT?"

"My female body's not all that different from my male one," Deidara pinched the sides of her waist, "you have glorious hair, by the way."

"Oh god what does it look like?" Hidan pushed her bangs from her face.

"Let's just say you look like you cut your hair with garden shears," Deidara put her hands on her hips, "I think I'm fucking gorgeous, what do you think?"

"I'm going to kill you," Hidan said.

"And you're pretty easy on the eyes yourself, hm."

"I'm going to kill you in the most painful way possible."

"Oh please, I'm at least making the best of it," Deidara laughed, "I wonder if I can give Kisame no Danna a nosebleed, hm." Hidan growled and scrambled up the cliff-side.

"Come on Narcissus," she grabbed the artist by the hand, "we need to go tell Zetsu what happened."

"You're adorable," Deidara laughed.

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

"On the contrary, it's fucking hilarious."

Hidan paused at the sound of something coming through the trees, Zetsu.

"That's new," Zetsu's black half said.

"And really weird," his white half added.

"It feels weird too," Deidara said, "like, emotions just got racked up a hundred times what they usually are and my chest hurts, a lot, hm."

"I hate it," Hidan growled, "and you certainly changed moods fast."

"I was fucking with you," Deidara smirked, "it's fun."

"I'M STILL A CHICK!" Hidan screamed.

"Calm down," the black half said, "we'll relay this information to the Leader. In the meantime, head to the nearest hideout, we may have to call a physical meeting to discuss this."

"And Hidan?" The white half said, "Close your cloak all the way before you flash everyone."

"Shit!" Hidan snapped her cloak shut. Zetsu disappeared into the tree. Hidan sighed and looked at Deidara.

"I don't like this," she said.

"I don't either," Deidara shrugged, "but we're near a hideout, let's go, hm."

* * *

 

"And here I though no one would be as angry as Hidan," Deidara smiled at Sasori, who was looking highly displeased, "what's wrong?"

"You said you'd be careful," Sasori growled, "'not a single thing will go wrong' you told me." The other Akatsuki around them either laughed or looked as deadpan as always.

"Yes well we never factored in the chance that our opponent knew a forbidden technique that changed his enemies' gender," Deidara crossed her arms, "I hardly see that as a problem, hm." Sasori sighed.

"If it makes you feel any better," Deidara said, "I was being careful, hm."

"Obviously not enough," Sasori sighed.

"Yes," Deidara laughed nervously, "funny how that works." She glared over at Hidan.

"I'M SORRY I KNOCKED YOU RIGHT INTO THE BLAST!" Hidan screamed, "IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, I'M FEMALE TOO!"

"Put a fucking shirt on," Deidara snapped. Pain stepped in with Konan in tow. The entire group looked to him. He gestured for Deidara and Hidan to leave the crowd.

"I take this as proof of the mission's failure," he gestured to them.

"Yeah," Deidara nodded, "kinda." Konan smiled politely to Deidara. Pain sighed in exasperation.

"Both of you," he said softly, "you still retained most of the skills that got you into the Akatsuki, correct?"

"Yes," Deidara nodded, "we made sure."

"Good," Pain motioned for them to return to the crowd, then addressed the entire organization. "I didn't think I'd have to say this, ever!" Pain's voice was loud and clear, "I hadn't expected this to happen, and frankly, neither did any if you. But I'm fairly certain all of you know what this entails."

"No dating within the group," Kisame chuckled, glancing at Hidan, "shame, because they're both pretty cute."

"I will kill you," Hidan growled. Sasori and Deidara exchanged smiles. Inwardly, Sasori was glad that it was still the same Deidara. Kakuzu, on the other hand, was silently wishing that Hidan had actually gained at least a little civility from becoming a girl.

"If you aren't partners with Deidara or Hidan, you are dismissed," Pain said loudly. The rest of the Akatsuki began filing out. While passing Deidara, Itachi gave a gentle nod.

"You look nice," he said flatly. Deidara's face went slightly pink.

"T-thanks," she stuttered. As soon as all other partners were gone, Pain turned to the remaining four members.

"I take it the technique is permanent?" he guessed.

"It's permanent," Deidara confirmed, "it looks and feels different, no questions, hm."

"You're voices are also different," Pain observed, "Konan?"

Konan nodded, but gestured for Pain to leave, he did, followed by Kakuzu and Sasori. Once they were gone, she began laughing.

"I don't think this is very funny," Hidan said.

"No," Konan calmed herself, returning to her composed self, "I've never seen Pain-san so embarrassed before. It's quite amusing."

"Kakuzu just looked pissed," Hidan said.

"Sasori WAS pissed so you have no room to talk," Deidara smirked. Konan sighed.

"Any particular questions?" She asked.

"Besides the obvious trio every guy will ask?" Deidara smirked, "As in: What do menstrual cramps feel like? What does a bra feel like? And-"

"Stop before you start," Konan smiled, "I know that last one."

"What's sex like?" Hidan asked bluntly, not really reading the mood in the room.

"That was exactly what I was about to ask," Deidara said.

"Both of you are boys alright," Konan laughed, "you'll learn about all three eventually. Any other questions?"

"Yeah," Hidan crossed his arms, "related to your answer to my first question, how am I supposed to learn about it if the damn leader banned dating?"

"He never banned sex," Deidara noted. Konan face-palmed.

"Any other questions?"

"Two," Deidara said, "first one is related to the fact that both of us are still dressed like we were as males, and I am really uncomfortable in these clothes now, hm."

"We're getting you two new clothes."

"Great. Second question, how many guys am I going to have to punch?"

"Looking at you," Konan looked Deidara up and down, "a lot. Hidan less so, but still a lot."

"What?" Hidan looked confused.

"Guys flirt," Deidara explained.

"Oh."

"Also," Konan pulled a roll of measuring tape from her pocket and pointed to Deidara, "cloak, off, now."

"Eh?" Deidara raised an eyebrow. Hidan smirked.

"There is such a thing as measurements unless you want to be wearing clothing that doesn't fit," Konan said. Deidara rolled her eyes and pulled off her cloak.

* * *

 

"You alright there?" Deidara stared at a very uncomfortable looking Hidan.

"I hate shirts," Hidan said, "I am wearing a shirt and a cloak. I already hated the cloak. I hate the shirt even more."

"Yes well I'm not walking around with a shirtless woman," Kakuzu said, "I already dislike walking around with a shirtless man. You being female already gets me labeled as a pervert." Sasori looked to Deidara.

"No complaints?" he asked. Deidara smiled slightly.

"Pockets," Deidara said, almost jokingly, "why are my pockets absolute shit?"

"No more hiding shit in your pockets," Sasori smirked.

"Shut up," Deidara snarled. Sasori laughed and began walking.

"Let's go," he said.

"Where?" Deidara asked.

"Wherever," Sasori smirked, "we have no clue where the jinchuriki is, let's see if we can find it by walking around aimlessly."

"You just recovered."

"I don't care."

"I like you better with a normal brain and heart, hm."

"Fuck off."

Hidan crossed her arms and stared after them as the two walked off.

"It barely phases them," she said softly, "they're the fucking same regardless."

"Because they're friends," Kakuzu began walking in the opposite direction, "they're something I don't need. Come on, we'll be late."

"And whose fucking fault is that going to be?" Hidan yelled, following after, "You're the reason we're always late! With your damn side job and everything!"

"It's important."

"LIKE HELL IT IS!"

"Your arguments are starting to sound rational."

"I'm going to fucking murder you!"

"Don't even try."


	2. Chapter 2

Deidara couldn't stop thinking about it, the words rang in her head: "You look nice."

"What's wrong?" Sasori looked to his partner, she hadn't moved an inch, "It's been several minutes and you haven't moved."

"Nothing," Deidara curled into a ball, feeling her face heat up, "it's nothing, hm."

"Is it Itachi's compliment?" Sasori guessed, a soft smile on his face.

"Danna!" Deidara fell back onto the futon, "I hate that son of a bitch!"

"But you could never ignore a compliment," Sasori laughed and stood, he sat down next to Deidara, "you look fine, just like you always did. Now get some sleep, we've got a long walk ahead of us." Deidara made a silent sound of partial acknowledgement and gestured for Sasori to leave the room.

Once he was gone, she sat up and sighed heavily.

"Thank god," she slid off the Akatsuki cloak, looking down at the new black tank top covering her upper half. It was a comfortable tank top, with a net armor shirt clinging to her skin underneath. Deidara just wanted the scratchy net armor, and the uncomfortable thing with underwires beneath it, off. shed never liked net armor anyway. She pulled the tank top off and yanked the net armor off, pulling a significant amount of her hair in the process. She threw the tight, clinging fishnet thing across the room and began searching for the bra clasp.

She was having trouble. Deidara sighed, she wasn't really comfortable asking Sasori for help, but the clasp was in that perfect unreachable spot on your back that your hand can't reach no matter how stretchy your arms may seem. She sighed, wondering what she was going to do. She finally decided, after several minutes of trying to reach the clasp without success, to get help.

"Danna!" she called nervously, "I can't reach the clasp!" She heard a heavy sigh through the divider.

"What do you want me to do?" Sasori asked.

"Help?" Deidara suggested.

"Deidara," Sasori sighed.

"Shut up, you're asexual and you know it, hm," Deidara snapped. The divider opened and she heard a quiet laugh.

"Having trouble there miss?" Sasori smiled from the doorway.

"I will murder you with a spoon," Deidara hissed. Sasori smirked and undid the clasp.

"Thank you," Deidara nodded.

"You're welcome."

"Now get out, hm."

"I don't think I will."

"Pervert."

"You asked for help."

"I didn't invite you in, hm," Deidara hissed. Sasori leaned on the wall and pulled a book out of his cloak and flipped it open. Deidara slid off the bra and picked her shirt back up, throwing it over her head.

"You're almost flat," Sasori commented, not looking up from the book.

"Shut the fuck up," Deidara retorted.

"I suppose the fact that you're some semblance of pretty might make you a little vulnerable."

"I have fists."

"I would say you should be ladylike, but that's never going to happen, and I think it's stupid."

"What?"

"Being ladylike, it's stupid."

"Not all the time."

"Being small, submissive, and quiet just because you're female is stupid."

"Mm," Deidara slid the stirrups off her feet, "but what makes you think I'll do that?"

"You won't," Sasori looked up from his book, "you're a shinobi first, an artist second, and a girl third. You can't be ladylike and an artist at the same time."

"You actually called me an artist," Deidara pulled her hair out, staring at Sasori in surprise.

"I don't agree with your artistic views," Sasori said.

"Duh," Deidara scoffed.

"But I will not say you are not an artist," Sasori continued, "an artist isn't measured by their views, and artist is measured by the quality and durability of their work."

"There you go again," Deidara twisted her hair into a braid, "the durability of an artist's work has nothing to do with their skill. My work is made from clay, it's not durable, hm."

"Only the impermanent ones," Sasori noted, "Ohako lasted for a long time."

"I fired her in a kiln," Deidara commented, "I meant to sell her, until I realized I put chakra in her, hm."

"Ohako was a girl?" Sasori asked.

"Yup," Deidara nodded, "she was. Isn't that nice?" Sasori laughed.

"I never asked," he said, "do you mind?"

"Being a girl?" Deidara released the braid and let the strands unravel like a blonde rope, "not particularly. I was angry for a little bit, but if I'm stuck like this forever, oh well. I've learned to take life as it comes to you, hm."

"An interesting philosophy for someone who didn't take kindly to joining the Akatsuki," Sasori joked.

"I was forced into that fucking mess," Deidara snapped. Sasori smiled.

"Get some rest," he said, "and Deidara?" Deidara looked to her partner, twisting her hair into a bun and letting it fall back over her shoulders. Sasori paused.

"Hm?" Deidara asked.

"First off," Sasori held up a hand, "did you always do that?"

"The hair thing?" Deidara asked, "Yeah, you just never noticed, hm."

"Okay," Sasori sighed, "don't stress over Itachi, people do weird things." Deidara nodded and slid under the futon blanket, pulling it over her head. Sasori shut of the light in her room and walked out.

* * *

 

You could say Hidan was very bad at being female. But saying that, it means women have a set way to act and Hidan did not act like this. And if there were a "proper" way for women to act, yes, Hidan would not be proper. However, there is not real right or wrong to how women should act.

At least, this is what Kakuzu was constantly snapping at people who were telling Hidan to be a little more ladylike. Hidan would often retort cruelly, cussing and swearing like her old self, at which point Kakuzu would have to grab the wild-haired Jashinist by the collar and drag her away. By the fifth time this had happened, Hidan was pretty fed up.

"Hey!" Hidan yelled as she was pulled from the well dressed couple she was screaming at.

"No," Kakuzu said firmly, "you can't just yell at people because they have an opinion."

"Well I'm not a fucking lady and you can let me go!" Hidan shook out of Kakuzu's grasp.

Kakuzu sighed. Hidan scowled angrily.

"Why can't I stand up for myself?" she asked.

"You're only proving them right by doing that," Kakuzu replied, "they just think you're unladylike, I would agree, but shinobi don't have to care about that." Hidan growled.

"I knew it," she spat, "you're just as sexist as they are. Asshole motherfucker."

"Hidan," Kakuzu warned, but turned and began walking away.

"Oi, wait up!" Hidan called, "Stitch-bitch, you better not leave me alone!" Kakuzu sighed and scanned around for a hotel that wasn't overly pricey. Finding one, he walked in. Hidan followed, still complaining. Kakuzu smirked at these futile attempts to convince him to go somewhere nicer. He looked back as the younger shinobi surveyed her surroundings with a disgusted expression. Hidan had always been picky, this new change had made no difference to this. It was impressive, as her hair was wild and untamed, varying in length like she'd cut it herself and done a shoddy job. Kakuzu also noted a severe lack of actually brushing it, and wondered if this was actually a trait of Hidan's hair or the transformation had made this drastic change to it.

"What?" Hidan snapped.

"Do you even brush that?" Kakuzu asked.

"Do I look like golden mane blonde pyro bitch?" Hidan retorted. Kakuzu heaved an exasperated sigh.

"You need to brush it."

"I don't have a brush, duh."

"Of course."

"Don't say you have a brush."

"I do."

"Well you're not brushing my hair!"

Quite obviously, Kakuzu had made up his mind that he wasn't walking around with a rat's nest. He forced Hidan to let him brush the mess of silver on her head.

"Ow! You're yanking!"

"I wouldn't have to if you'd stay still!"

"Fuck you!"

"Hidan!"

"Fuck off! Just stop yanking!"

"Do you really think I can?"

"Yes!"

"Well I can't!"

Hidan fell silent, flinching every time Kakuzu yanked. They were back to normal, squabbling like children. This was how Hidan preferred it, it was weird when Kakuzu was nice. Kakuzu pulled the final knot out and dropped the brush in Hidan's lap.

"Learn to do that yourself," he ordered, leaving the room, "and don't bother me." The divider slammed shut. Hidan pushed her hair from her face and stood, walking over to the mirror hanging on the wall in the room with the brush in hand.

The hair's unevenness was less noticeable, and actually gave the hair a sort of layered look, hanging just past Hidan's shoulders. Hidan looked down at the brush and back up at the mirror. She figured that brushing it would be better than not. She knew how to brush her hair, just never liked to, never needed to. She suddenly remembered the clip Konan had given her, telling her that she and Deidara would be better off pulling their hair from their face. Hidan brushed her hair back, remembering how her mother had done her hair and copying it, she twisted it up and clipped it in place. A strand of hair fell into Hidan's face. She pulled the clip out and shook out her hair. She tried again and found the same stubborn strand fell out. She groaned in frustration.

"STOP FUSSING OVER YOUR HAIR!" Kakuzu screamed from his room.

"FUCK OFF!" Hidan screamed in reply. She pulled out her hair and trudged over to the futon out in the middle of the floor. She considered just falling onto the mat before she merely sat down on it and looked up at the ceiling.

Things were happening too fast. Hidan wasn't like Deidara, who had a mindset like fluid water, she was much more static. When things changed, she'd usually just try and work against it, change was poisonous to her, she didn't like it. She couldn't work against this, any of it. She had to get used to it. Kakuzu was no help, he hated her, and would only find her a bother. She didn't want his help anyway.

Hidan sighed and fell back on the futon, curling into a ball and falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will say that I am not one of those people who doesn't do yaoi pairings, I just really wanted to write this story because I thought the premise would be funny. I do ship SasoDei and KakuHida as yaoi pairings, I do like them as yaoi pairings. for the purposes of this fanfiction, I cannot write them as yaoi pairings, I apologize if you thought otherwise I just thought I should note this before the romance fluff in the upcoming chapters rears it's head. BTW, the pairing for Deidara IS SasoDei, hints of ItaDei will show up, but it is not the primary pairing.  
> One thing I like about this series compared to all the other Shounen series i read is that not many of the shinobi actually hold back against girls, so I can toss around little bits of gender issues in this and it can be totally realistic.


	3. Chapter 3

A bang on the door woke Deidara early that morning.

"Fuck!" a voice muttered from outside. Deidara grunted and raised her head from her pillow, an annoyed look on her face. Deidara had never been a morning person; Deidara had never been one of those people that took to waking up at all after going to sleep unless she got herself up. This was no different as another gender. In fact, she was in an even worse mood because her second question to Konan had finally been answered. And she did NOT like the answer.

"Too fucking early for this," she growled, forcing herself to stand and stumbling over to the door. She slid it open to find a shinobi stumbling to his feet, half-asleep and disoriented.

"Sir I would like to inquire the time," she said as sarcastically as possible this early in the morning and in as much pain as she was in.

"Midnight?" the shinobi guessed.

"Add two hours sweetie," Deidara said. The shinobi looked confused.

"It's two in the fucking morning dipshit," Deidara snapped, "I, dear child, was asleep. I have to go out to fuck knows where tomorrow with NO BREAKS. You just woke me up. You better be a little more careful, or I'm going to blow you to Hell and back without a refund, hm." The shinobi stared silently at Deidara before replying.

"Sorry," he said, seemingly annoyed by this threat, "I tripped."

"Mhm," Deidara nodded, "you should be in your little bed sleeping at two in the morning."

"Some people train."

"Not until two in the morning, hm."

"Some people do."

"Those people die, very quickly."

"I haven't died yet."

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"Be patient. You'll die soon."

"How do you know?"

"Look kid, I'm traveling in the morning with an asshole. I am in pain. I do not like being woken up. I don't have time to argue about your goddamn life expectancy, I need sleep, hm."

"Kid? I'm older than you!"

"You're taller; I'm nineteen sweetheart, fuck off." Deidara slammed the door shut and turned around to see Sasori staring at her with a slightly irritated expression.

"Do you really need to fight with people at two in the morning?" he asked.

"He woke me up," Deidara replied. Sasori scoffed and returned to his room. Deidara glanced back at the door, then stumbled over to her futon and flopped down on it, falling back asleep.

Sasori woke her up three hours later, throwing her cloak at her. Deidara looked up at her partner in irritation.

"Get dressed," he ordered.

"What time is it?" Deidara grumbled.

"5:30," Sasori replied. Deidara buried her face in her pillow and pointed to Sasori.

"No," she said, "thirty more minutes, I do not wake up until there is at least a little sun. Fuck you, hm."

"I saw Kabuto at the hotel last night," Sasori said, "he's moving out now."

"And why the fuck should we care?" Deidara dropped her hand.

"Because he knows where Sanbi is."

Deidara looked up at Sasori.

"Go fuck yourself," she said, "bet your dick's big enough you asshole." Sasori sighed and prodded his partner with a shoe.

"Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No," Deidara replied, "go away, hm."

"What's wrong?" Sasori asked.

"Y'know that time I got stabbed in the gut during a bar fight with a broken sake bottle?" Deidara asked, "And the alcohol in the sake made the injury sting like a motherfucker?"

"I never forget," Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Multiply that by ten and push the source down a couple inches," Deidara said, "I don't even think I can stand." Sasori sighed in irritation.

"I'll be back," he said, leaving the room.

He returned fifteen minutes later with a plastic bag that he promptly dropped next to Deidara.

"You owe me," he said, "big time. This shit is one, fucking expensive, and two, hard to find." Deidara grunted and fished through the bag, pulling out a bottle of water and a pill bottle.

"You're the best Danna," Deidara said weakly, dumping two pills into her hand and downing them with water. She picked up the bag and stumbled into the bathroom, emerging a few minutes later looking just as zombie-like and tearing apart a chocolate bar.

"I should talk to Zetsu," Sasori said, "you're not going anywhere for the next week."

"Can I cut it out?" Deidara asked.

"No," Sasori smiled and pulled his divider closed, "just lie down you hormonal little shit." Deidara curled into a ball under her blanket and fell asleep, still holding the last of that chocolate bar. Sasori sighed and waited for Zetsu to appear.

"What happened?" Zetsu's black aspect asked as soon as he appeared.

"Feminine things," Sasori replied, "he's not a god. He can't just avoid the fact that he's going to get this every month."

"He?" Zetsu's white aspect sounded confused, "but Deidara's a girl now."

"Deidara is still Deidara," Sasori said, "Unless he asks me otherwise, I'm referring to him with male pronouns."

"We will inform Konan of this and request her help," black Zetsu said, "until then you're in charge of her." Sasori looked to Deidara, who was now watching Sasori with a tired expression on her face.

"Understood," Sasori nodded. Zetsu disappeared through the floor and Sasori turned to his partner.

"Hi," she croaked. Sasori sat down beside his partner and brushed her hair from her forehead.

"Hey brat," he said.

"Sorry," she said, "I can take care of myself. You need to go follow that traitor, hm."

"No," Sasori shook his head, "at this point I've been given an order and I'm following it."

"I wasn't aware you cared," Deidara smiled weakly. Sasori sighed.

"Go to sleep," he said. Deidara shut her eyes and bravely reached out to take her partner's hand. Sasori felt a chill run up his spine.

The gesture was one Deidara wouldn't have made as a male, she had always been one to avoid contact, she didn't like it, and now, Sasori understood why. Her hand was rough, dry and full of little cuts like dry skin cracking, not at all what Sasori had expected from the blonde pyromaniac. He didn't know why he expected anything different. He knew the effects of clay on human skin, he knew it dried skin out, but he'd assumed the young artist took care of herself.

"Hey," he whispered, "sorry to wake you, but why are your hands so dry?"

"Clay dries them out," Deidara opened her eyes slightly, "I thought you knew that Danna, hm."

"I knew that," Sasori smiled, "why are they still dry? I thought you'd take care of them."

"I don't really have the time when I'm traveling so much," Deidara sighed. Sasori nodded in understanding. Deidara smiled lightly and fell back asleep.

* * *

 

On the other side of this strange sequence of events, Hidan was taking her new hormones very well.

As in she was stabbing the fuck out of the nearest wall with a kunai.

Kakuzu opened the divider between their rooms. Without a word exchanged between them, minus a few loud groans from Hidan, Kakuzu walked out the door.

First off, he needed air. Second off, he wanted to avoid the rage of hormones called Hidan. Third off, he figured he needed to buy shit for Hidan.

Stalling would result in a hefty hotel fine for a stabbed wall, but Kakuzu didn't care, he needed to think.

He was wondering exactly what was different about Hidan. At first nothing APPEARED different; she was still just as rude, conniving, and vulgar. But she purposely picked fights now, with everyone, from Kakuzu to a random person on the street making a passing comment on anything about Hidan.

"Hey!" a young man ran up to Kakuzu, "You were with that silver haired girl yesterday, weren't you?"

"I don't have time for this," Kakuzu tried to step around the man, who blocked him.

"No listen," he said, "I wanted to apologize to him." Kakuzu froze, who was this guy?

"How did you know Hidan was actually male?" Kakuzu asked.

"I'm the one he and the blonde attacked," the man explained, "I panicked, I thought Orochimaru had caught up with me. That jutsu was an experiment; I wasn't going to try it on people until I was certain it could be reversed." Kakuzu scanned the young man; he didn't appear to be lying. But you could never tell really.

"Please tell him I'm so sorry," he said, then looked behind Kakuzu, "I have to go." The man turned and ran off. Kakuzu walked towards a nearby store.

There was no way he was going to go back to that hotel just yet, even though he was being stared at by several people.

"Control your hell spawn," someone whispered to Kakuzu. The tall Akatsuki shook his head and kept walking up and down the aisles.

"Bitch ain't with you?" another person whispered, "Too embarrassed by her I bet." Kakuzu felt an urge to kill someone at this point. He heard a groan and as someone hit his back. He glanced behind him to find a familiar blonde leaning on him.

"Hi Deidara," he said, "Where's Sasori?"

"There," Deidara pointed to where Sasori was looking around the aisles, "Konan said to get me lots of painkillers."

"You too?" Kakuzu guessed.

"Oh god," Sasori returned with a pill bottle, "What did he do? He got into an argument with someone and cursed at me."

"Hidan started stabbing a wall," Kakuzu said, "repeatedly."

"I'd stab a wall if I weren't almost immobile," Deidara moved to lean on Sasori, "but I'm immobile as shit, hm."

"You have no idea how much pain he's in," Sasori whispered quietly, "getting an arm ripped off didn't immobilize this idiot."

"I heard that," Deidara groaned.

"It's true," Sasori mentioned.

"No it isn't, I'm not an idiot," Deidara laughed dryly. A group of people stared at Deidara, a few people complimenting Sasori on how gentlemanly he was being. The two male shinobi exchanged exasperated glances.

"When's the wedding?" a person joked, prompting both Deidara and Sasori to flip them off.

People didn't bug the artists after that.

"Danna," Deidara grabbed Sasori's collar, "I need brownies, gimme fucking brownies, hm." Sasori helped Deidara over to another aisle and returned with a tin of brownies.

"I'm putting you on birth control," Sasori said firmly.

"Will I be immobile for a week?"

"No."

"Get me pills then, hm."

"I have to ask permission."

"That takes too long!"

Deidara glomped Sasori and burrowed her head into his neck.

"Get a room!" a person screamed.

"FUCK YOU!" Deidara screamed back.

"I swear to god," Sasori sighed, "get off Dei!" He shoved Deidara off, but failed as the blonde collapsed onto him. Kakuzu was wondering if Deidara was doing this for any reason except she was vying for attention.

"Deidara..." Sasori warned. Deidara pointed to the door. "I haven't paid yet." Deidara pointed to the cash register. Sasori chuckled and helped Deidara over to the register. Kakuzu watched the two silently.

"Kiddo," Sasori sighed, "you are hopeless."

"Yeah but I'm fucking gorgeous," Deidara joked, "aren't I?"

"Whatever you say Rapunzel," Sasori smiled. Kakuzu smiled.

"Who is she?" Kakuzu heard someone whispering.

"I don't know, but she's beautiful."

"I wish I had her hair."

"I wish I had her boyfriend."

"He is cute."

"He's willing to date a taller girl. That's admirable."

"Did you see her smile? It was so beautiful."

"Crooked as hell though."

"Doesn't mean it isn't lovely."

"She's gotta be a bitch."

"I hope that's not true. There are too many pretty bitches."

"She's too pretty to not be at least be vain."

"She is," Kakuzu said bluntly to the duo behind him and walked off.

"Called it, she's a bitch." Kakuzu turned around.

"I said she was vain," he said, "I never called her a bitch." He turned and kept walking.

* * *

"Hidan," Kakuzu threw a plastic bag the silver haired woman stabbing the wall. Hidan looked at the package and dropped the kunai.

"I could kiss you," she said.

"Don't," Kakuzu said. Hidan dragged herself into the bathroom, returning seconds later and flopping on top of Kakuzu. Kakuzu froze.

"Thank you," Hidan murmured, "you're really nice, when you care."

"Hidan," Kakuzu smiled, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Hidan burrowed her face into Kakuzu's neck, breathing softly down his back, "nothing at all." Kakuzu pet the Jashinist on the head, running his fingers through her hair.

"Do you need sleep?" he asked.

"Yes please," Hidan wrapped her arms around Kakuzu and breathed slowly, eventually falling asleep. Kakuzu lifted the Jashinist and set her down lightly on her futon. He brushed her hair out of her face, watching her soft sleeping face. Two weird, out of place actions from both of them, he needed to find that guy again, the one that did this to them.

"What're we going to do with you two?" he asked gently to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should clarify why I use female pronouns in prose but the main characters refer to the two Akatsuki-turned-female with male pronouns. 1. Currently (I may change this later), Deidara and Hidan still identify as male, despite their current biological state. Their partners view them as male; therefore, they use male pronouns. 2. I still need to clarify in prose that Deidara and Hidan are not biologically male. 3. In Japan, most pronouns are gender neutral, it's why Deidara and Haku were mistaken for females before Kishimoto clarified. In the actual canon of Naruto, Sasori and Kakuzu might be referring to Deidara and Hidan with slightly more masculine pronouns, and Deidara and Hidan are probably still referring to themselves using the word "ore" an informal form of "I" often used by males.


End file.
